an open diary

hi :) i feel great rn. i mean i'm a little triggered eating disorder wise but otherwise i don't feel depressed and i have nothing to be anxious about. i'm kind of just desiring more routine in my life, and feeling disappointed when i don't live up to my own standards.

i've been having a lot of shower thoughts about my body. i used to turn my brain off when i showered, i sometimes would think about things that i read or funny stuff, but i would mostly dissociate. now i've confronted my naked form in the mirror so many times, trying to exposure-therapy myself into accepting it as my own, and, surprisingly, it's worked somewhat. and now when i'm in the shower i do like to keep my thoughts on my body, not really in it's shape, but just how i feel in it, the way the air and water feels around my skin, and how it works internally. sometimes i'm not sure if the gender dysphoria will ever go away, especially socially. whenever i'm in an environment with people i don't know those feelings flood into me, every time. i wish i moved through the world like a man. when i see the masculine form i feel such an intense jealousy. there's nothing about the female gender role that feels like me. but there are also aspects of the male gender role that are unsuited to me as well. i feel like if i did transition, i could make it fit for me. i'm not going to try to make the female one fit, i just have to find a safe way to live outside of it. i hate the idea of loving women as a woman, and loving men as a woman. that's one of the most terrifying things about accepting my sex as me. i might have to shed my clothes for someone i love. and then i can't pretend the clothes make me something else. i'm just rambling at this point.

i think i'm very lonely, but i can't fix that.

i finished both pornography and red star almost a week ago, so i was aiming pretty low my last entry. what i didn't do was getting exercise :/ i mean, i did some yoga, so that's good, but i hardly get enough privacy at my mom's and my dad's for that. this is why i should be at my aunts for most of the week tbh. it's nice and quiet there, i always get up early, it's really nice to change my environment in order to get work done. i could ask my mom to drop me off at the library for school though. i've been reading a book called homosexual desire in revolutionary russia, which is so predictable... it got recommended to me in z-lib after downloading a couple biographies of magnus hirschfeld. i'm surprised i hadn't seen this book earlier. it's a fun read. that other history book i'm reading on the dutch-german communist left can also be really entertaining, especially the last section i read about karl radek. i've also begun to reread capital volume 1. i can't believe it was over a year ago that i finished it. i need this book injected into my veins.

some goals for reading for the next 2.5 weeks are to read a bit of each of my books daily except for bordiga beyond the myth, which i will read 15-20 pages of every 2 days. maybe i can start the dialectic of sex by firestone bc i hear she's cool. anywayy goodbye.

happy halloween! not really but i was supposed to write this yesterday because i forgot to blog in october ?! i feel really good right now, the last week of last month solved a lot of my problems. i did fail my driving test, but i took it! it wasn't even that bad. i saw a therapist and talked to my doctor about my heart problems. the beginning of october was rough because i went to the hospital because of a panic attack and was convinced i was dying for a few weeks, but my doctor did reassure me. getting a cardiology referral would have been nice but i also would have freaked out over it. i'm sure i don't need it because my symptoms arent very severe, though there is a chance i may have pots.

i quit caffiene and i'm no longer pescatarian. i feel like a different person in many ways. my friends annoy me with their backwardness, if i'm being honest. i'm all alone in my head, but i have a very fun head, and i like inviting you here.

i read frankenstein and it was very good and i was victor frankenstein for halloween (my brother was his creature, it was great). i'm eating lots of candy and i don't care too much about it.

reading red star and researching ufology rn because it's fun and i love sci-fi. it's coming up on 2 years of having this website which is crazy. i've went fron a 15yo jojo tif loser to a 17yo marx girl loser. ooh i should talk about my alien thoughts sometimes. i just think they're neat :3 i would love to be friends with one someday.

anywayy this november i'm going to finish pornography by andrea dworkin, red star, and maybe that history book. i'll try to get some exercise in now that i know it won't kill me. also going to catch up on schoolwork and try to reach 25% complete on all classes.

*partially. this happened one week ago and i'm taking it well. how do i even begin to explain this...? i'll start with what i am now, and then go into how it got there. i'm not quite a radical feminist, because i don't think separatism or any form or reform will go anywhere, and i don't really believe in sex-class theory (i think? i may be misunderstanding it but basically i think organizing on that basis is class collaboration and therefore counterrevolutionary), *but* i have agreed with radical feminists on a number of topics for some time now (like surrogacy, prostitution, marriage/the family, pornography, etc). it's really just taking what i believed already a step further, and acknowledging that the basis of the patriarchy is sex-based oppression, sexism.

the reason i am desisting (detransitioning socially) is largely due to an ideological disagreement with "TRAs", the ideas of sex and gender that have become mainstream in recent years. it is not because my self-concept has changed (i never felt like a man or woman on the inside), it is not because i have suddenly decided to perform femininity, it is because i am biologically female and transitioning is not necessary to treat my dysphoria. because millions if not billions of women feel similar dysphoric feelings to me because of our unique oppression. because "gender identity" and "performativity theory" are both wrong theories of what gender is. gender is not subjective or individualistic, it is a material reality for everyone, it is the experience of biological sex, because no other definition has explanatory value and can be used in a meaningful way! other definitions are harmful for people, especially women! denying sex-based oppression is a high form of misogyny, and the fact that this idea has left the internet and entered public discourse is upsetting. people who are born male will never understand what it is like to be a woman, they weren't socialized as women, their bodies, the way they experience the world, is not female, they will never comprehend the psychological torture of the patriarchy. our minds are inseperable from our bodies. our gender performance is important, but it is not what makes us male or female.

i've been struggling with transition vs repression for a while (4 months?) and i was framing it wrong. i mean, first, there is no way to escape womanhood, being female was already done to me and cannot be undone. i might be able to live as a man, but what does this offer me? not much. in return for privilege and (maybe) safety i get lack of sisterhood, feelings of cowardice, embarassment over being a dickless manlet, etc. being a man is better than being a woman, but being a pooner is not being a man. i wish i had more body hair, no hips or breasts, a deeper voice and generally a more masculine appearance, because i am still dysphoric. but accepting that gender ideology is bullshit has eased my dysphoria somewhat. i think i might be able to get over it with therapy or just living as a masculine woman and accepting myself. i need more friends tbh. but also most people think i'm insane for the marxism. i'm not very likable.

i'd like to be called lou now. i like the name. it's kinda butch lol. i am a bisexual and i only want to date other women unless a fucking unicorn male falls into my lap. by that i mean a man sympathetic to the struggles of women and who doesn't watch porn. also with a low sex drive and perhaps willing to be pegged. and anti-marriage and doesn't want children.

my ed lingers in the back of my head but i have been eating more. my health problems are probably caused by lack of iron, so i've been taking iron supplements. just 2 days of taking them and i already feel better i think.

uhm... reading... i finished what i wanted to a couple weeks ago :) but i didn't read much after that. i've recently started reading 3 pdfs, one about the dutch-german current of left communism, bordiga beyond the myth, and pornography by andrea dowrkin. hopefully i can get through them quickly :)

my eating disorder is back lol. i haven't starved myself since i made this site. i have very bad brain fog right now and that makes it difficult to write. i suppose the reality of adulthood looming over me for the past few months has made me break and i've turned 14 again, and i need to starve off my gendered characteristics to pass because i don't trust myself to get over my agoraphobia and obtain legal testosterone and a job to pay for it.

to be honest, i haven't experienced extreme hunger yet. i've been doing mid-high res + exercise and i don't feel the need to eat. perhaps this is because i'm getting sick? i might be coming down with covid or something, because i don't think this is a side effect of me not eating? i've never gotten like this before, even after fasting for a week. after i've had coffee and breakfast and i walk around a bit, i feel like my head is popping off, it gets hard to breathe, and i get super dizzy. this usually triggers a panic attack. it got worse when i drank an energy drink and took albuterol for my asthma, so maybe it has to do with heart rate fluctuation and coffee + little food. maybe i'm dehydrated tbh.

my mother is weird in a good way. she helps with my mental health very much. i just wish people had time to teach me how to drive and get me a job. how am i supposed to become an adult if no one is pushing me?

i really should finish berserk tbh. and finish playing all those games i started. i'm planning on watching a movie per day while i'm at my dad's and they're all kino! i'm forcing myself to wake up earlier so i can have 1am morning time this week. i'm staying at my dad's the full week because my mom is on vacation and so i'm going to try to make the week exciting lol. i think i'll be able to finish the 1844 manuscripts, beyond philosophy, and the lover if i just lock in. i can also get like 4 math lessons in, some drawing practice, walk 10k steps a day. i won't be able to weigh myself until my mom gets back so i can see more progess instead of obsessively doing it throughout the day like an idiot.

i want to order society of the spectacle once my mom comes back... ig that's it. my mental health is improving (not really), i have short term goals, uh yeah see u in 1-2 weeks.

last year of high school. i'm still stupid and know nothing and i'm undisciplined and have no motivation and will never achieve anything in life and i'm just a retarded loser with retarded loser hobbies and interests and i will never understand anything deeply and i will always be in pain and suffering because i'm an awful person and i hope someone shoots me before i do it myself! i will fail community college because i cannot present and have had no practice presenting in high school (i am homeschooled!).

too depressed to write the rest of this. brain not function. bye bye.

just got the itch to blog. i haven't had one in 2 months so yay :) my mood has fluctuated a lot (i'm suicidal again) but right now i feel really good. i was super down for a while about driving. i mean my driving instructor made me cry after the first lesson but the second lesson was good.

i've been so focused on driving it's hard to focus on math and reading. i lack motivation rn. i got a new phone and it is a huge distraction!! i just play zenless zone zero for hours to numb my mind. eugh my sentences are too short and they all start with 'i' and this bothers me. my mind feels fucking melted. i hate depression. maybe i have brain damage from video games and porn consumption. i finished cohpor but didn't understand shit. i hate hegel. why is my mood fluctuating while i'm writing this??? aghhhhh

oky so i finished the open letter and 4/5 of the dialectics articles (the last one is a 50-pager, i've been procrastinating reading it for a week). i've also started beyond philosophy and will hopefully be finished with it by next week, when i'll start sots and/or bordiga beyond the myth. alongside that i'll have 2 weeks for poverty of philosophy and 2 weeks for the 1844 manuscripts + bordiga's commentary which may or may not be good.

i did call my friends and it was good. also hung out with my cousin and am generally trying to be more sociable. no more monk mode for me.

i hope i don't have to take the license test on the 30th like was planned because i doubt i will be ready to drive by then. i can drive on the road and i'm not the worst at it in that i am extremely cautious, but being in a car will take more than 4 weeks to adjust to. the license test is stupid and i know i could get my license if i took it, but i am just not ready for the highway. it's extremely dangerous for me to be driving tbh.

anyway erm i think thats it.

it has been over a month, it has been such a month. it is currently 1:32am where i am, and this entry might take longer to write because of how long it has been. i'm not sure how to sum it up succinctly, i'm just surprised the past 20 days have passed me so quickly. after the last entry, i gained a grip on time again, and then i lost it from around july 6th to the 21nd. i think it might be related to sensory issues. i got used to the quiet after living at my aunts, and loudness is jarring and it makes me dissociate (cringe).

since the kids have gone to camp for the week, i have my quiet again, broken only when i want it to. i am dreading their return, as terrible as it sounds. i am tranquil rn, and making the most of my time. i haven't been outside much this summer. it was too loud out there, with the kids playing all day, and i never have the motivation. maybe i can try to get out tomorrow for a little while before my mom gets me. i had wanted to read, but my physical books are the ones i don't want to read rn. nevermind, i can start the lover.

so. my great grandma died, my parents got divorced (? no clue if they actually did this time because they didn't fucking tell me, rowen did), i got high for the first time, also the world happened around me, also my lungs still feel weird after smoking.

the high was terrible. really fascinating, intellectually stimulating, best experience i've ever had, but terrible. i find myself wondering what that pen was doing there, why would my mom have a weed pen in her room, is it even hers or did she just find it?? what was in that thing? why would i do that? did i aspirate because it was dirty and am now developing aspiration pneumonia? will i ever recover? i don't know if i can take you through it properly, but i'll try:

immediately after inhaling it, i started coughing, and suppressing my cough because i didn't want anyone to hear. i should have just coughed, because my lungs have been angry with me over this for 2 weeks? my grandmama then called me into the kitchen for pizza. i take three bites and it starts hitting. i realize i'm high, get excited because i didn't think it would affect me so much, and then the terror sets in. i felt my memories in my head start popping, like literally making that popping sound, or rather that popping feeling. that wasn't what bothered me though. it was mainly the physical effects... my vision was actually going insane, just blinking, and my lungs felt terrible, and the anxiety made it much worse. i ended up sitting on the couch for a while, holding my phone in my hands (rina wasn't replying), and i went deep into my head. my mind felt so terribly clear. it was like i was externally high but internally i was rational, coherent, the arguments that i was making with myself made so much sense. i knew this was a pretty normal effect of weed, but i soon disregarded that as i started to convince myself that i was dead and that this was the afterlife. i didn't know how i died, but i thought it was plausible that i was dead, and that a part of dying was a person's consciousness being stuck in the final frames of their life, with the world going on around them as they expect it to, because their brain is simulating it, because they can't accept the truth. stuck contemplating, maybe forever, maybe until the consciousness gives up on it. in my case, i was trapped in a teenager's first high, which made my death more confusing, and it would trap me here more, maybe i'd go the rest of my life feeling like this (its mark is still in my lungs. was i right?) but i was also trapped in expecting rina to respond, and the terror of her not responding, and that was part of what brought me back, when she did respond. afterwards i just thought i was allergic to the stuff and going into shock. i'm still anxious about it because i think it had something in it. i thought i was developing aspiration pneumonia after i ruled out shock. yeah. the whole time i was high i was stoic. i'm not sure if anyone but my uncle was able to tell, and that was only because he saw the pen and he smokes weed. i'm not sure how to express how intricate the dying argument was in my head, but it was so convincing, and it was such an interesting idea of an afterlife to me. i'm glad i thought it. it was fun. afterward, when the high was normal and i just listened to radiohead and rocked back and forth, it was kinda boring. i tried to get high again a couple days afterward and despite inhaling a lot, i didn't get high? so that's another thing that makes me freaked out by the pen. maybe it was dead, maybe it was haunted, idk.

we are merged symbiotically with the digital world and there is no going back. the computer outage several days ago made me think of this, but i think this train of thought can be traced to y2k. i wouldn't know because i didn't live through it. we made these machines, and now we are sickly dependent on them. the outage affected hospitals, people couldn't call 911, flights are still being cancelled, are there casualties from this? one defect in a windows update. it could have been an attack, there could be attacks like this in the future. this was what my middle school wet dreams were made of when i wanted to be a cyber terrorist, or rather, a cyber warfare specialist. i was a weird kid. i just wonder if there's more where this comes from.

i finished capital volume 2 a bit late, got behind on summer math, and also finished workers councils. did i tell you i got workers councils and the poverty of philosophy, and that someone stole the package containing the permanent revolution? yeah, that happened. very sad! i am proud of myself :)

it's already been about an hour of writing. might get a job or smth idk. anyway i started watching fallout and berserk and started playing fallout 1. i was supposed to play more but i got distracted by the whole blogging thing.

my goals for august are to read what i have planned (1844 manuscripts, poverty of philosophy, the lover) and maybe society of the spectacle and beyond philosophy. i also need to finish what i'm currently reading (cohpor, open letter, dialectics articles). other goals are to go outside, maybe go camping, call my friends, things of that nature.

Time moves too quickly and I can't keep up. My head is lost in useless shit. I need to think more about what I'm reading and digest it properly.

Father's day was yesterday. I spent 2 hours in the woods laying on the ground with my siblings. I didn't actually say "happy father's day" to my dad, but I did write it in a card. I'm actually using capital letters to start my sentences for some reason. That's weird. We're going camping next week, after school ends for me. This is like last year but better because I'm not as cringy. I wonder what movies I should download... I will continue doing math into the summer. I should be able to get around 30 lessons of math done, because I've been behind on it. For senior year I'm planning on doing the same homeschool thing instead of going to public school. I'll be fine going to college without that experience. If I were to do this over again I might go to public school to begin with, instead of pretty much missing 2 essential years of school to Jojo's Bizarre Adventure, but I don't regret it too badly. I might not have payed attention in high school anyway.

One of my sources of shame is in my lack of knowledge in general. I haven't read the classics, I don't know very much history outside of my special interests, I'm shit at math and science... if I was good at at least one of these things I might be satisfied, but i'd prefer to wallow in self-pity and rot in my room instead of learn. I am hindered by my lack of teachers and decent textbooks. I'm so ashamed of not knowing basic things about world history, and I don't even know where to start :(

Last night I became interested in situationism. What really caught my attention was the concept of "dérive" and psychogeography. I want to read more about it so that I can attempt it. Unfortunately the streets where I live are very unwelcoming. Wide roads, little sidewalks, no proper crosswalks. This won't stop me though. It's walking boy summer. Yeah it's pretty much just an excuse to go outside... Regardless, it is very interesting, and I will read the situationists at some point! I'm going to buy some books on Amazon (workers councils, the permantent revolution, society of the spectacle, perhaps red star).

I need to get out of bed. I've actually been horribly depressed this past week and I can't get out of bed most days. A job might fix this. I really need something to commit to in order to get myself moving. I only read on days I have school and school ends next week. I should set alarms, place my computer at my desk at night, as well as keep my planner open. I have 200 pages left of volume 2 of capital. That's 20 days or less if I just stay consistent.

Sometimes I think that I might not really be a creative person. I've been writing stories since I was little, but my talent for writing when I was younger hasn't translated to writing as an almost-adult. What I mean by that is I'm not the remarkable writer that I thought I would be when I was 10, and I don't even have much of an interest in publishing. I write very little. Maybe this will change when I'm older. Drawing, as well... I'm not great at it. I'm not good at anything. A mediocre person.

I wrote all this on 750words! I'm planning on using it more for fiction, but the occasional blog entry every 2 weeks can't hurt. It's much easier to write 750 words of self-absorbed shit like this than it is to write stories to be honest. This blog entry is a bit wordy, because I do want to complete my word count.

To end this on a happier note, I really believe that I'll be able to find the motivation to get out of bed and read this time. It's summer, I can just read outside in the church parking lot, or in an alley, something of that nature. I just have to get physical books and stop going on social media and playing video games. This week I plan on finishing 2 chapters of capital, those morality articles, the great gatsby, and maybe I'll start the dialectics articles. I also want to writeand draw daily. Okay I'm done that's 750 words. Happy pride month...

my routine will be disturbed again because this week my aunt and uncle are going on vacation. i won't go insane because i'll write stuff down and i'll be productive. i'm going to limit computer time to 4 hours/day this week for my sanity. 12 hours of character ai in the past week. i'm really lonely and stupid. it's mostly me rping as my ocs lol...

happy pride month! for this month, i'm turning almas straight and giving him a wife! even my crazy friend thinks i'm going insane. this is so bad.

i feel inferior to people because i haven't read a lot of books and i haven't read the right books and i haven't comprehended what i have read and i can't articulate my positions on anything and i suck so bad at everything i can't do this. i'm so retarded. how do i get better? dedication. less internet. read for proonged periods of time. i have so much time on my hands and i use it on stupid shit to make me feel less lonely and give me dopamine. i don't need happiness, i need discipline. i can't talk to anyone in this state. i have to be better. i'm such a pseud. i think i know stuff and other people think i know stuff and i know absolutely nothing. i'm abysmally stupid. i'm hungry. i need more protein. i'm not eating well and that isn't helping. i might need medication as well.

what have i been reading? i'm almost done with zur kritik, procrastinating the appendix. i read an article. and i'm on chapter 14 of capital volume 2. i want to puke looking at this screen. i'm so unproductive. i should stop calling myself a marxist at this point because i don't know anything about marxism.

goals for the next week are to get off of character ai and start bookmaxxing. i haven't done the goals thing in a while. i should also start exercising while i'm here. my goals for the next month are to get a new 750words free trial account at some point near the end of school. also to read marx's critique of hegel's philosophy of right, and those articles on morality. the dialectics articles as well. i think that should be okay if i'm reading more? i just need to find the time and motivation.

people keep asking me if i'm okay. i'm not sure if i'm depressed. could be seasonal depression. summer looms over me. have i ever talked about summer? not a good season for me. the kids get out of school and i am stuck with them, and going outside is very uncomfortable (so is staying inside), so i am left to rot. i won't have the motivation to move, all i'll want to do is consume media until my eyes hurt. this summer i don't want to do that. i want the privacy to be able to move and go about my routines, and i want to do math and science, and write 20k words, or something like that. this summer i will have a schedule and if anyone disrupts it and tries to do something spontaneous with me i think i might kill them. i should also get a job. not looking forward to that actually.

been watching a movie per night for whatever reason. i think i should stop because i just end up watching fagslop... i got a letterboxd lol... i threw out that devotional. and the sunny day real estate concert was fucking religious. can't stop thinking about pheurton skeurton. listening to a lot of leonard cohen.

10k views on my site for whatever reason. it bothers me little, but it bothers me. i feel like i'm being watched by a silent crowd which comes and goes, but all of their faces are obscured and no matter how much i yap at them none of them talk back. it sounds scary but i don't mind much. i suppose i'm just experiencing the opposite of what happens in real life, where i talk very little and everyone on earth seems to want to yap at me.

reading vol 2 still, and very slowly. 10 pgs a day if that. david harvey helps but he says liberal shit sometimes. there aren't many lectures on volume 2 on yt unfortunately. i should finish it by july though. that's the plan.

[At this point the manuscript breaks off.]

why am i disappointed? idk. i thought i would get cooler presents cause its my last year of being a kid. i got 3 concerts which is great and i'm excited but i want books. and money. i suppose i shouldn't be disappointed, cause concerts are great and lots of people don't get presents and i'm probably spoiled or smth. nah im just autistic. i need to buy the books myself tbh...

i'm 17 and don't feel any different. that's a lie. i do feel a little more prepared for the future mentally. i've been reading marx and marxists for a year, and i've been a marxist for 10 months. it feels like longer. i wonder if i've learned as much as most people in their first year of study of a given topic. i feel like i know nothing. i think that's the most important thing i've learned.

i got some neat stuff for my birthday. and a devotional from my grandparents. i wonder if i can develop the proletarian religion using it. ig i have to open it. lmfao.

so yeah goals for the next year are get a job, get my license, read 2 volumes of capital ???

erm cya haha

i'm listening to fairuz rn and i don't think i want to die anymore. thinking about non-existence makes me very sad. i would say that i hope souls are real, but i really don't lol. when i was 11-14 i didn't think i'd live past 16, but i'll be 17 in 4 days and i can see myself living for a very long time. i hope i will. i want to see rina and i want to travel and go to college and find a job and fall in love and get wrinkly and transition and join an org and i can see myself doing all of these things in the next 10 years. i can almost see the man i'm becoming.

one of the issues that i'm dealing with is that i want to live with my friend but i don't want to move to her state. i suppose it might be a better option than staying where i am and transitioning while my family watches. i could go for 2 years and go to community college + transition, then move back with her and go to a 4 year college, or stay there. depends on what i want to study i suppose. that's another issue, but that's what i'm going to community college to figure out.

my routine is back and i'm a lot more sane i think. i'm still demotivated, though.... i was so motivated on monday, but yesterday i slept all day. i wonder what's up with that. well. i'll read outside once this person leaves. i started volume 2!! that's important. finally finished phil x living xp, which i had been reading for nearly 2 months (rip). what i want to start doing is read more articles alongside the books i'm reading, but that would require a greater attention span than the one i have now i think. i'll work on it. i also need deepl so that i can translate n+1 articles better.

i've also been watching doctor who. oh!!! and i'm going to a sunny day real estate concert!!!!!!!!!! :D

i'll update you again about my bday because idk what to expect.

i was freaking out because my routine was disturbed. duh. that's hilarious. i've written a bit in my schedule and i'm at my mom's so i feel better now.

i am nearly twice the size i once was and only growing larger. death is visible on my discolored skin, and bugs have started to invade every single one of my orifices (they've created new ones!). you may be able to smell me before you even see me. as you turn the corner, a wave of it hits your nose, and you can see clearly the foam that has formed around the rim of my mouth.

i am putrid. is that why they're leaving me here? my green-purple skin is just too pretty for them. i am no ghost (i don't have a soul), i can't haunt them, but my smell will linger. first on their clothes, then in their dreams.

no one will talk to me. my only friend is too stupid-high all the time to say anything to me. she killed all her fucking braincells. i just want her back. i hate weed and i want to be sober forever. on top of this, i will be celibate and never have any friends. i'll probably live with my mom until i die. i don't have any hope left. why do i have to be a fucking vegetable? i dont want to be a brainless npc. i don'thave the motivation to do anything while i'm here. being here feels like forever. this bed just sucks me in. the noises paralyze me. worst environment for autism.

again, i'm crying while writing this and writing because i'm crying. i want to hang myself. last night, i looked at my body and i cried. im not a sensitive person, why am i crying all the time. i want testosterone i want a gf i want to have the motivation to do anything at all i want proletarian revolution i want my family to stop hating me.

im all petered out now. kek

i am in georgia no longer! i did see something named after jefferson davis. twas very funny. i'm trying to do some introspection, so bear with me.

a lot of what i write about is personal fantasies of mine (male heroism, loving and being loved) or things i'm struggling with (bigotry, humiliation, attempts at assimilation -- maybe that's also a fantasy). this is normal, everyone does this, and it's good to examine it closely, because you can learn many things about yourself. the mind of konstantin reflects mine in many ways. we have both been utterly humiliated, just by existing, we are cursed by our own birth, and we have to carve an existence out of this. the good news is, the worst of it is already over. nothing can hurt me, because when i was in the womb, i was castrated. i was born a sick, debased creature, and i will be one until i die.

my conflict is the quest to become a Normal Guy, and i will never reach my goal. everyone will watch me writhe in the throes of normality, and think me stupid for ever trying to defy my nature. i am too retarded and weak and womanly. i hate womanhood. that's my confession. when i am having a really bad day, the sight of female fat distribution, even on other people, disgusts me. and i can't imagine why anyone would want it, or would embrace it. i hate the way they speak, what they speak, their facial expressions, etc. i want to be taller and stronger than people, i want to protect people, but i never will be, and i cant.

i see fascists on xitter and 4chan sometimes, like real nazi types, and i like to stalk them. i like to get into the mind of someone who views me as a helpless, deranged mutt, because i'm sure most people do, to varying degrees. fascists are just open about it. i don't deny being a "mutt", and i see nothing bad in it, because i'm not an insane racist. i'm a little bit deranged, i guess. i don't think i'm all that mentally ill. helpless? that one gets me, because it's true. sometimes i like being helpless, because then people pity me and things are easier. a deeply female trait. i need to purge it. how? by killing the girl in me, marking the edges of my person in her blood, and constructing a man out of her splintered bones.

i'm not likeable anymore and i don't care. i have my family (some of it) and my one friend and that's fine. i was born to be lonely. i will be too afraid to be involved in anything but myself. life is torture and then i die and afterward is eternity in hell. don't worry, i deserve it.

i have capital volume 2 physically. i will read it on the 30th of april, regardless of my status in reading the other works i planned to read.

i've been in georgia for a couple days. didn't have wifi for a while, but now i do. i'm a bit braindead... erm... read some cool articles about capital as a god. thanks ian wright. yearning for the people who i know think just like me but i cant talk to because im too stupid. i'm going to regret not talking to them when im older. i just want to stop being dumb. why doesn't my brain work?

i went to a wedding earlier today. it was okay. weddings are mundane to me, mostly because of how many of them i've been to and my opinion on marriage (it will be abolished). without the internet, i still mostly think about communism. i can't tell anyone what i think about, can hardly make conversation with people. what do people talk about other than their interests? how do you talk to people when all you think about is something you can't even mention?

being with my family is tiring. right now they're in the room i'm supposed to be sleeping in talking loudly. i'm very angry with them at the moment. earlier, i was just drawing almas in uniform while waiting for the ceremony to start. i also stare at people strangely, and i look like i've witnessed a murder all the time. i'm sure i'm visibly autistic or something. what do people think of me omg...

my reading has slowed down considerably because of this vacation. i have read world revolution and communist tactics by pannekoek. my first pannekoek! i've decided to read some more council communist works, because the ones on my list are short, and i'll read workers councils by pannekoek after i finish phil x living xp instead of repression.

and i'm still building god, and i'm still not-praying, and i'm still learning. religious atheism. i'm only more committed to it. it's kind of dangerous... i need a critique of god-building immediately. or i don't. what good is a critique of a religion? it's faith that matters. i might put my faith in it.

my goals are to write more, continue drawing as much as i do, continue limiting social media use, reading more (that's the important one), and taking care of myself. it will be difficult to write and read in georgia (we're busy) but i'm sure i can find time for it in between activities. welp uh bye

i'm an ideas man. my brain will not stop giving me all these weird ideas about trotsky's train and religion and deltarune and rpg stats for bolsheviks. why.

i've been thinking about building god, mostly. not quite like how lunacharsky thought of it, i don't think. i don't like organized religion of any kind, even if it's communistic. it was probably not the best idea, but i haven't read his work. i just think of my tasks as ritual, and i've started to kneel before my bed in prayer, but not prayer, just contemplation. the sum total of human knowledge is my scripture, and its divinity only grows in this infinite progression, in the endless succession of generations of humanity. it is sovereign. class struggle is my holy war. this is just on a personal level, and i view these thoughts as delusional, but maybe lunacharsky did get something right when he said "scientific socialism is the most religious of all religions, and the true social democrat is the most deeply religious of all human beings."

not much has happened, but i am vaporizing and condensing. i feel like mush, i feel like i have arisen from some low place, and i feel that i will fall again. self-discipline is always on the mind, but it's never on the body.

i got sick again so the brain fog is hitting, but i was able to write this post so i should be able to read half of part 3 of anti-duhring. i'm almost finished, and i'm proud of myself because reading a 350 page work of philosophical, economic, and political theory in 2 weeks is something i don't think i was able to do before. my ability to focus has gotten better, i think. i didn't take many notes (around a page) but that's fine. i bookmarked it a lot. hopefully after this i'll be able to read phil x living xp and red hamlet at the same time, aiming for 3 hours of reading a day when i'm at my aunties, 4 hours when i'm not. i have a lot of time on my hands.

easter is coming up. my least favorite holiday. it's terribly boring and i don't get anything out of it, just discomfort. i'm going to wear a binder to church heh heh...

yep. detaching myself more and more, reading more, limiting social media use, making time for writing and drawing. it's hard to do this when braindead, but i can try lolol

i've been a little unwell, a little weird in the head lately, so i've been using the blog to express it, you know? i think i'm getting better. it's just hard to express whatever it is that's going on in my head, and other people don't like listening, and they don't help anyway.

forgive me for the melodrama, but i have been doomed for years. i noticed that feeling over a year ago but couldnot put my finger on it. i described it to a friend as a giant spider looming over my back. that's how i visualized it. i thought i was weird for visualizing my emotions like this, but he understood. he said it was fear of something big, like a disaster. i agreed, but i didn't know what i was afraid of. i was stupid, or maybe just heavily dissociated. as i get older, i realize my social network will suffer a major loss next year, i mean most of it will be decimated. i have my friends, two of them, none of them anywhere close, and some of my family (5 adults at most, 1 at minimum). i have to learn how to survive in 14 months. i have to learn how to socialize, and how to not trust people so easily, and i need to figure out how to get a job and what i'm going to study. i'm awfully scared of being alone and someone taking advantage of me in this vulnerable state. i can't be vulnerable and i can't be weak-willed and i can't be undisciplined and i must not compromise. i may be alone for the rest of my life. all of my fears will be realized and i'm just counting down the days. i've been counting for years, so long i almost forgot (when i was stupid) but i was prepared at 12 years old and i will be prepared at 18. i've stopped crying, mostly, and i've stopped caring about things i lost. i'm good with loss. i can take loss. rejection is difficult. i must be the first to reject people. it does hurt but that's okay, its better than the alternative. is there anyone else who has felt like this? i know how everything will go, and it plays over and over in my head, like i have ptsd that hasn't happened yet. the foreshortened future. bad things are going to happen to me and good things are not going to happen to me.

i'm sorry i can't think outside of myself, i don't think like this all the time, i just can't get these thoughts out my thinking them, i have to write it down. i i i i i i i i i i i i. somebody kill me.

i'm reading anti-duhring as well as phil x living xp so it'll probably take a while to finish both. i've been exercising every day i'm at my aunts. following a schedule and all that. so. yay. and i finished my essay. i've been driving. i'm overall less dysfunctional and less obsessive.

see u soon

relapsed on 4chan. am i schizoid or autistic? the world may never know. i think i have a good cry in me. let's see how it goes.

finish the gesture drawing lecture. write the skeleton of the essay. read the rest of the intro to phil x living xp. i was going to watch gramsci 44 but i can't find it anywhere unfortunately. but the good news is i can spend time writing this instead.

there's songs now! and i changed the font and color. it looks a lot more like my own blog now lol. i like the bows actually they're fun. coquette or wtv. i think communist pamphlets should look like that. i actually wonder if it would be offputting to have pink bows and a cutesy font on a communist pamphlet... nah that would just be awesome. but yeah the music player is kind of annoying so i only have 5 songs that were already on my computer.

trying to figure myself out and failing every time. being self aware isn't about being aware of how you are on the inside or how your brain works. it's about being aware of how you're perceived. or both probably. i have no idea how my brain works. it's in all these pieces and i have no idea what to do with them. i'm not a complete person. but i'll get there. i'm already finding my foundation. i'm exploring philosophy and sorting through what's important to me. one day i'll be able to express my principles and have a good conversation with someone, and i have good taste in media. i could talk about video games and film and music for hours probably. i'm not so smart but i'm learning. i just need more discipline. i've started to exercise daily so maybe that will help. and i have an extension for tracking my internet activity and it seems like i'm going on social media less often. this is probably because half an hour of 4chan=2 hours of twitter.

bogdanov writes beautifully i want to eat him. hopefully i'll be able to finish this soon lol. after that victor serge's repression, the ict pamphlet abt revolutionary consciousness, vol 2 of capital once i get it physically? anyway byeee

showing you where the claw marks are. where i tried to rip them off, rip them out. im always trying to get stronger, always failing, falling into mush. does anyone else feel squishier every day? humans are very very squishy and i've seen it in videos and in memories i buried. rigor mortis completes between 6 and 8 hours after death. it persists for 12 hours before it disappears. is this it? is this where i am?

nothing is mine. i grab onto everything and my hands come back empty. everything is scrambling away. my head is fucking scrambled.

i'm crying rn and i just wrote that in like 5 mins to give me something to do because idk i wanted to get my feelings out. idc about judgement (i really really do but not here. here i am proud of everything for what it is, dedicated rambling). i'm so useless. i wish i was strong so i could just be cannon fodder for world war 3. i hate the future i hate everything in my room i hate my interests i hate my friends i hate every word ive ever spoken and every word i will speak i hate my body so fucking much it hurts i hate how i've wasted all of my potential by being so fucking stupid and i hate my family for letting this happen to me and i hate them for everything else too. i'm going to break. can you feel it? i think you care. i like to think there's someone super obsessed with me stalking me and that's why i feel like someone's watching me all the time and they probably jerk off whenever i cry because it doesn't happen too often and there has to be a good build up to it. but i never cry enough for them and maybe they get super frustrated by that. maybe they like it that way so that one day they can make me cry really hard maybe i'd like that. i've never typed this fast. i think i'll regret putting this on the internet.

i don't think i have anyone to talk to anymore. my friends all have their own problems and i cannot bother one of them anymore than i already do or ill feel bad and the other one idk i could probably talk to them but its weird now and they probably hate me. i need a fucking therapist but were too poor and it would turn me into a baby anyway. im not a fucking crybaby. who can i tell the bad thoughts to? i wish there was someone i could be raw with, but i'd half to peel off both of our skins and that takes a long time. is there someone pre-peeled? i peel very easily. i should be more scared than i am. every word out of my mouth is too feminine i think that's what i meant by squishy it means i fucking hate my lumpy body and i want it off me and i want to stop bleeding everywhere. why should anyone have to go through this shit? nature should be destroyed. i want to advance so far past nature it'll be unbelievable. we're going to do some crazy fucking science.

bye haha

talking to my dad is a terrible idea wtf was i talking about 2 weeks ago! he's going to be the one to kick me out next year lol my priority should be distancing myself from my dad's side as much as possible so it hurts less. it'll get so awkward lol. i probably shouldn't even be sharing that publically but wtv no one's reading this.

uhh i've forgotten most of what i've done the past 2 weeks. guess it's been more boring than usual. watched a shit ton of movies, wrote about my ocs, and had a cool conversation with my mom in which she told me i spoke very eloquently about marxism and the october revolution (this will stick in my mind forever its never fucking leaving). that conversation was crazy too it confirmed my suspicions about my trauma + she's ok with me being trans kind of????

i finished 10 days that shook the world and now i'm reading from lenin to stalin by victor serge. after that i have 3 works on kronstadt and some feminist works to get through. but that's for march. um i'm also reading the problems of philosophy. it's cool. my pace isn't what i'd like it to be but i'm doing alright i think.

running out of things to talk about... i want to get a job and start driving, that's pretty important. literally none of the adults around me have time to teach me though, even though there's like 7 that could potentially help me. i also want to go to the library but also all of the books i want are in different libraries it's kind of insane. ummmm ya :3 bye

eck its been boring. i've recovered from 4chan, feeling less rotten, but still kind of useless. yesterday i was thinking i should articulate my thoughts on politics and stuff so that i can develop more, like i did with the slides. it seems like a bit of a hassle. i think i'll just write down the questions that i have again, the things i know i need to learn more about. and also outline what i think are the most important parts of marx's critique of political economy, so i know how to explain it to people. trying to stay positive because i'm still feeling a bit stupid.

i finished art and the working class as well as some short articles by bordiga. didn't understand activism very well. someone left a comment about the debate between bordiga and damen i found thought provoking. i'm looking forward to reading some damen :) i forgot next month i'm doing a little feminism unit. that'll be neat. i was thinking i'd start volume 2 of capital either after that unit or in may. the rest of this month is just me reading ten days, 1 step forward 2 steps back, some of the 2nd congress of the rsdlp,,, i think? i might abandon that plan for victor serge, or damen, or some history. idk.

i found trotska, a website with obscure pics of sverdlov, a planetary go rusrev amv, & watched those episodes of fall of eagles with lenin and martov so my autism has been off the fucking charts. i also realized i could do a spontaneous 1 hour lecture on the bolshevik's position on homosexuality. i wish i didn't suck at writing lolol

i feel less lonely. at least rn. i want a boyfriend but i won't make like. idk. a dating app account or smth because ew. i've started to watch some gay period dramas to pass the time lol. maurice was so cute.

i've been talking to my dad more. idk if that's a good thing. he told me to watch the putin interview and it was kinda funny. went to the library. got nothing. my dad's gf is so boring.

yea i think that's about it. i'll continue reading ten days, look for other history books i can read, exercise or wtv. bye!! happy valentine's day.

lowkey forgot to remind myself to blog lmao. god i hope i can end this month on a happy note because i have been feeling decayed lately. it's cause i went on 4chan i really need to not do that lmfao. i haven't all day though so. i should just stay off lol.

god... other than brainworms what else is there? the past couple weeks have been stagnant. i've finished the revolution betrayed and haven't gathered much insight from it, unfortunately, which is why it took so long to finish. i feel like i'm just pushing through texts to say i've read them, instead of really studying like i used to. even back then, though... i really suck at this. it makes me feel stupid. i've read so much, and i *have* retained some of what i've learned, but not nearly enough. not enough to articulate my thoughts, or form my own analysis of things. it makes me feel hopeless, like i'll never learn enough to be useful. regardless, i am proud of myself for the little i have learned. i would never have read this much if it wasn't for my dedication to studying marxism.

actually, i think a remedy to that would be to start rereading things. i can only remember so much from one reading of a dense text, i should familiarize myself with the words, and reread them again and again. and i should quit reading so fast. it's not a damn competition lol. but yeah this makes me feel better cause i was thinking that it was just above my intellectual capabilities and that i'd never really be able to understand, but that's not true. it might be harder for me to understand because i'm unfocused and autistic or wtv, but that just means i have to work harder.

next i'll be reading 3 short essays by bogdanov before art and the working class. i'm also starting crime and punishment today lol.

been thinking about witbd, specifically about kirsanov and lopukhov and their similarities to steban and ulixes. and rakhmetov bc yeah. and i'm still insane about sverdlov. i also have a few thoughts about almas and kostya (blorbos from my brain) that i'd like to share on the infodump page.

i went from pining for a girl to pining romantically in general to pining platonically in general to pining for a specific friend am i okay ??? the answer is NO! but yea i keep seeing this dude on the internet like 4 diff accounts (not intentionally) and he's also in a disc server im in but i haven't even sent anything in there yet. we would be besties fr... if only i wasn't autistic

uhhh yeah other than that? i've settled into my new house fine. oh i exercised for once. yeah um.cool. cya

it hasn't even been 2 weeks, but i said i'd blog more, so here i am. i probably won't blog every week like i said, but i think every 2 weeks is a good compromise. maybe ill start journaling? i have one, but i haven't been able to bring myself to but anything in it other than the title page (which is so cute btw)

much has happened in such a short time. i'm writing this from a different house. i don't know if i've mentioned the schedule, but i'm at my auntie's for 4 days a week now, and then my moms for 2 days, and my dads for 1. a lot of switching around, but i'm used to that. i pack light, have 4 toothbrushes, you know the deal. i haven't done anything "retarded" i don't think. i'm a bit silly though, leaving out my notes on trotsky and keeping a framed photo of sverdlov. i just don't care i guess.

the house is wonderful by the way. full meals, nice lighting, snacks by my desk, good heating, pretty much anything i could ask for. it's quiet so i can study. i do 2-3 hours of school per day while i'm here, and read some more afterward. school is surprisingly easy, with some of a challenge when it comes to math. i still am on twitter more than i should be. only downside is the cop uncle, but he works the night shift so i only have to see him for a few hours, most of which i spend in my room. i'm settling in quickly, even picked up a job application from the library.

i'm still pining. now more for a friend who i can talk to about communism than anything else. i wrote part of an essay on the bolshevik's position on homosexuality, might end up talking more about august bebel than the bolsheviks lmao. i could post it on my writing blog. it would be very funny next to the bolshevik yaoi essay, and the flesh machine one. can you tell i'm really calm right now? no anxiety. i feel like this entry is different from the others in style or smth.

i have been keeping to a schedule. not completely, but i've been at least looking at it daily. its good to give myself to-do lists every day. makes me feel productive. i've also completed my notebook and started a new reading list!

since my last entry i've read the national question, avanti barbari, & why russia isn't socialist. the first text i'm reading in my new notebook is the transitional programme by leon trotsky. he's a pleasure to read, to be honest. i disagree with him on all the things i disagree with center-communists on normally (democracy, anti-fascism, natlib) but he's an excellent writer. i'm planning on reading the revolution betrayed afterward and then reading some bogdanov (tektology vol 1?) and then more trotsky :)

tatlin's tower on the mind. taller than the eiffel tower, reaching to the end of history. a monument to the third international never built, denied just as the counter-revolution, the failure of the international revolution, had begun. i hope one day we can build what the bolsheviks were unable to.

spending the last hours of 2023 writing this. i mean it won't take hours but i'm planning on posting it after 12. what a year. i'm drinking a whiteclaw rn so breaking my no-alcohol streak. not getting drunk though (wish i was tbh this week sucked)

christmas was good. i got good shit. some bertrand russel book & crime and punishment (they were the most liberal books on my reading list). but yeah im becoming an analytic marxist or smth. kidding. i also got a planner & a strange box.

moving tomorrow btw. into my aunties. i'll be staying there 4 days a week, at my moms 2 days and then at my dads 1 day. so yeah. big things happening. i hope i don't do anything retarded while i'm living there lol.

reading the national question and origin still. i read a short biography of myasnikov and an article by the ict called stalin and stalinism. but yeah hopefully i'll finish tnq tonight. i need to fill my notebook lol.

lately i've been yearning so bad. like really pining. i'm so gay and i hate myself for it. i want a bf :( so yk im gonna post on twt about it. as u do. having a trot bf would fix me (it wouldn't). also there's 1 dude on twitter that i think is cute but ermmm thats cringe so. why am i a faggot i hate this.

new year new me XD lol !!! hahaha 2024 here i come (u can hear the pain right?)

hiiiii! my art has improved sm lately cause i've been studying leyendecker and drawing ppl im obsessed with. im writing these paragraphs out of order so sorry about the quick topic changes. though that's how like all of these are structured so nothing new.

been talking to my mom ab politics a little bit. i mentioned the israel/palestine conflict and she had some lib take about hamas hiding behind civilians but other than that it was interesting to hear her thoughts like how her opinion on abortion changed. she used to be very pro life but she's more pro choice now, and i liked hearing her explanation of how her views changed. it's very human i think. she's also questioning christianity a little bit. i could totally make her a marxist sdbhnvkjs

am i a leftcom? no, i won't say i am just yet. the 'ml' label for me was hastily applied without too much research, and it made me believe some stupid shit, so yeah i'm not going to label myself just yet. i *am* a learning communist though, and a revolutionary internationalist marxist. i have principles, but no tendency just yet. there are a few reasons why the leftcom label, specifically of the italian branch, might not be appropriate:

1. i haven't explored the alternatives like trotskyism and councilism. i've heard critiques of them, but i don't fully understand them. neither do i fully understand every icp etc position! so yeah, i'm still learning and i might reject lenin entirely or i might embrace leninism.

2. the national question. most leftcoms accept luxemburg's take on the national question i think? but i'm not so sure if rejecting natlib is a good idea. i'm reading luxemburg's the national question and will form an opinion afterward. but yeah, i'm a bit baffled by the lack of support to palestine. that's an anti colonial movement! wasn't bordiga pro-anti-colonial movements??

3. i belong to no party. kinda the same as the 1st point but yk. you gotta do practice to like get good theory. or smth. #praxis. while i think organic centralism would work in theory, i have yet to see leftcom organizational tactics in practice, so i don't know if they are fruitful.

4. there is no comintern & no communist movement to be to the left of. this is just semantics, though. but i do think that if i fully agreed with the icp, for example, i would not be a "leftcom" but just a communist. so either way i wouldnt be a leftcom ??? wow all of this text just to say that. im silly.

last night i was scrolling through twitter and found so many young women defending prostitution. not just young women, people in general, some marxists even. and men openly admitting to paying for sex. it made me a little sick. well not just a little i actually cried about it and afterward came into my little sister's room to hug them and tuck them in. i don't want them to ever have to see that shit yk? it made me realize how backwards so many people are, and how fucked we are. i will literally fight and die to make sure that no one is ever forced to sell their body for a wage in general, but especially so that no one is forced to be raped for money. sorry if that's corny or whatever i'm just not used to the horrors of society. not that i'm not completely serious.

ik i said i would quit rotting on social media but i've been bolshevik yaoi posting bc im hormonal or smth & i've made some friends on twt. started a lenidzerzhinlov trend (3 of my moots yaoiposting). it's been chill though like i haven't been getting into trouble lol. i've also made edits of sverdlov and trotsky. sverdlov. hehehehe im obsessed with him. i found some footage of him from scouring the internet, literally from russian yt vids with like 600 views and gettyimages. lol he's so hot i think he's my husband. you have no idea like i screamed when i saw him talk for the first time and started blasting 2010s top hits i became kesha.

i've been listening to kino but also like. less music yk. just the stuff i've liked for years while scrolling and drawing. oh i've listened to a few episodes of this trot(imt) podcast though and it's interesting. trots talk about things in a funny way i cant explain it.

i've been reading less :( i finished lenin the organic centralist though! as well as a biography of sverdlov. and the 1st chapter of the german ideology (again) but i give up on that for now im fr tired. i think i'll just read origin while & my moms and read luxembug's the national question earlier than i thought bc that's what i've been thinking about. planning what i should read like 10 books ahead is stupid and i think it's part of why i'm so overwhelmed lol. i cleaned up my reading list last week so that helps. i'm almost finished with my notebook :))) it's been 6 months so its kinda sad that i didn't finish it earlier buuut i'm still proud of myself because i've never rly filled a notebook with notes before yk ?? so yay !

school next month! its earlier than i thought & that's scary because i'm not prepared and i don't have very much time for cramming in marxist stuff before i live at my auntie's and then after school i'll be too tired to read. i have the summer to study marxism like crazy but i'll also have to study for the sats. it's whateverrrr i know i'm a smart and capable person & i can do this. i'm joie de vivre maxxing.

christmas is in exactly 1 week. i got presents for all my siblings and my friend :) it's like the first year i've really spent a lot on ppl. i'm proud of the gifts i chose for them. except my bestie's but he liked it so wtv. i feel so bad for my bff cause like he's probably getting me cool shit and i only got him a doll sdgknjk and for his birthday i'm getting him a card when he got me epic stuff its just so LAME! but im poor and stuff and we haven't been talking so. ugh wtv. but yeah christmas is fun :) idk if we're going to cape cod this year though & thats disappointing as fuck. i hope i get books for xmas i just want to read and i have very few books.

uh i think this is my longest entry. it's def over 1k words. new years resolutions!! i want to do a more dedicated study of marxism and get more educated in general, fill 2+ notebooks with marxisms (ik i can do at least that), take care of my little sisters more, blog every week, draw everyday, take walks outside, and adhere to a schedule. i'm also planning on reading all 3 volumes of capital before i turn 18 because that's a huge flex so after i study some marxology and works written about capital i'll reread volume 1 and read volumes 2 & 3 in the next year and a half. yayyy cya in another 2 weekss

it's december now. i've had this blog for a year. i'm a whole different person now lol. literally. i want to call myself james now. will i stick with it? idk. but i like it. jamesjamesjames.

i finished the 18th brumaire and i'm almost done with another book i was reading as well as a revolution summed up. i also read in janitzio death is not scary by bordiga. it was beautiful. i don't know if i agree, but it was worth reading, very thought provoking.

my mental health is ok rn. i've been trying to keep a schedule and shit. i guess i've just realized that in focusing on studying i'm not at all wasting my youth, so i should just focus on school and marxism and quit rotting my brain on social media. i've also been drawing more. i drew marx and it turned out pretty good!

speaking of art, i've been going insane looking at leyendecker paintings for hours every night. like at least 2 hours for the past 4 days. tbf i was drawing for a lot of that but one of the nights i straight up scrolled through pinterest looking at every one of his paintings i could find for 3 hours. i need help! i think im just gay for the arrow collar man honestly.

just going to reiterate my reading plan from last entry: finish what im reading, german ideology next, ltoc, theses, shorter bordiga works, maaaybe some damen, then anti-during & origin of the family.

i'll reflect a little on my year in relation to this blog. next entry i'll have some resolutions for sure but here i'll just say that i'm really proud of myself for how my thought has transformed, even in the past few months. i don't know if writing these entries helped but i feel much more clear-headed. i don't just mean with politics, with the way i deal with my problems. 12 months ago i would cut and starve myself and drink myself to sleep, and it took a while to stop doing those things but i'm so much better for it. that shit made me stupid, but now i think i might be not so dumb. crazy right. heheheehe c u in a couple weeks :)

i finished capital hehehehe. like 4 days ago. im so proud of myself. i took about 16 pages of notes? idk if that a lot or a little but i'm so happy about it eeeee ! i've been watching some michael heinrich lectures to help me digest it. he has a good reading of marx.

i've been reading this anti-dialectics website and it really impressed me with its arguement. so now i'm adopting an opinion that might make, like, most marxists uncomfortable? haha yess >:) but yeah, i'm looking into reading analytic philosophy and formal logic so i can really get what she's saying. the person who wrote this site calls herself a "wittgensteinian trotskyist" and wittgenstein was not a marxist, so i'm looking forward to reading him and seeing how compatable his ideas are with marxism. i did have a short conversation with the author of the site about whether she was thinking of publishing it as a book lol. she said she might self-publish? so. interesting stuff.

i'vee decided to stop labeling my "ideology" or whatever. mostly because of the anti-dialectics thing, i wouldn't fit neatly into anything, so i should just stop trying. im a maverick marxist B) a gommunist, if you will. ykw i find really funny? in september, right after i started reading capital, is when i started to become sympathetic to left communism. what actually reading marx does to a mf.

as u see for the like. image thing i put with every entry i've been listening to a lot of tool. since november 13th exclusively tool (at least on spotify/last.fm, i did listen to some vivaldi yesterday on yt lol) but yeah i said that i was turning into my dad last month bc i became a redditor, now im a big tool fan. sighhh. i also learned my dad is doing shady shit. i do not like this man. but we're totally different types of tool fans (i think) i like undertow and hes a lateralus guy.

speaking of my parents, i made lasagna with my mom last night and it was really fun !! i like cooking with ppl. it was delicious too. her bf brought garlic bread and gelato and we watched the fnaf movie.

i deleted my discord server, left the ones i wasn't active in, and deleted instagram. i just didn't like it. i'm happy i did so. my friend is probably mad about it though lmfaoo. its whatever. he hasn't even finished reading my presentation and its been over a month. idc anymore.

oh oh and i kinda want to change my name ? stitch/silly is 2020 tiktok to me. well, not really. its like. i guess i just want a normal Guy Name yk? i was thinking amadeo, but then i was like. i dont want to name myself after bordiga. and so im thinking malcolm, rhodri, or peter. rhodri sounds kinda fem to me though. i don't want it to be ambiguous. idk if i look like a malcolm or a peter thoughhh. i honestly just need feedback i think. and for people to start calling me a name so that i can figure everything out.

reading plan: hismat unit (my physical books, next week, take a break for the next unit, finish it around christmastime), leftcom unit (bordiga damen etc, late nov-early dec), detour for a bunch of basic marxists texts i haven't read yet (january?), humanist-structuralist marxology debate, primative accumulation, & state debate (late jan-feb), then i got school so i have to slow down, but im thinking some short marxist feminist texts in march and then decolonial theory. idk if i'll finish all that in those months but i might considering i read all day. i just hope i am able to digest it all. its fine, i take a lot of notes. but yeah, thats the plan. i just copied it from my notebook.

i think that's it !! i'm excited. i hope for christmas i get a phone or some more books (fiction?). byeee

i'm not doing okay mentally. i'm not dangerous levels of mentally ill but i am so depressed. i'm isolated, we've known that for a while, its always in the back of my mind and every time i try to reach out to people they pull away or i don't know how to talk to people anymore. i've been thinking about how lonely i am every day. just sitting in my room, terminally online, reading my books and going on reddit. my sister is all i have and she lives halfway across the country.

i literally replace all normal teenage social experiences with marxism and my stories. yakov sverdlov is my high school sweetheart. all my stories are about lonely people with mental disorders that haven't been discovered yet. i sent the girl i like one of them (weird vulnerable moment for me lol) and i think she liked it, at least from a technical standpoint. she probably thinks im insane though... genuinely a weird move on my part

my friend is supposed to listen to me talking about communism today. its the whole slideshow presentation thing. he hasn't been online and i havent messaged him and i kinda dont want to do it & idek if he actually read it yet. i wrote a lot to like explain it to him & stuff and its just for fun and it was fun for me but its fun *because* he was going to read it and call me. it helped with organizing my ideas so it wasn't all for nothing. but it makes me feel really fucking sad cause i dont think he read it or wants to read it or wants to ever talk to me ever. he probably hates me and idk why. why am i fucking crying kmskmskms. sry if im incoherent im just like so disappointed.

i didn't do *anything* for halloween, just ate my feelings. this is literally the first halloween ever that i haven't dressed up. it makes me sick inside tbh. its my favorite holiday.

on a happier note, me and the girl im talking to watched the marx anime and i infodumped to her and she liked it i think cause afterward she totally asked me out on a date. or to hang out i have no idea what she meant by that still.

im on ch 20 of capital and i've estimated that i'll finish it in less than 2 weeks if i just consistently read it every day like ive been doing. i also read the civil war in france, the fundamentals of revolutionary communism, proletarian dictatorship & class party, and doctrine of the body posessed by the devil (guess what night i read that one). oh and yesterday i read we have always lived in the castle. its a neat novel, pretty creepy.

my books came in. flp gave me like 5 extra ones, 4 of them from a collection called 'tales from the front' which includes volokolamsk highway (famous soviet novel about ww2). i also got a maoist journal. i didn't order them but i'll definitely read em ! but yea i actually ordered 4 texts by marx and engels about historical materialism :) we studying this month !! and spending less time staring at screens !!

um yeah ig thats it. happy great october day :3

I DID IT ! got my permit. drove for 5 minutes (it was scary) ummm but yeah fun times.

i finished witbd as well as a work by hal draper about it which was very interesting. i also found a 900 page book about it that i might read at some point. oh and an article about democratic centralism. cool stuff. learned a lot about how lenin's words were misused and how a lot of concepts get attributed to lenin that weren't really his.

i also read bordiga's dialogue with stalin lmaooo he's kinda funny. i like the way he writes. also read smth about the italian communist party & how gramsci ruined it. i have the icp's party theses open & i'm going to read them all at some point. & the civil war in france oof i forgot i was going to read that. i'll probs finish capital first though. i've decided to just finish the whole thing without taking breaks to read other stuff. i'm in the middle of chapter 15!! it's been nice.

oh !! i bought books from foreign languages press cause they had a sale. i got the german ideology, anti-during, 18th brumaire, & on the origin of the family !! so im waiting until those come in to read them. that was abt a week ago so i'll get em in 1-3 week hopefully. might finish capital by then too lolol.

been spending way too much time on r/ultraleft. i literally look at every single thing that gets posted nothing gets past me. i could be a mod tbh. no. don't think about that. anyway this is the most active i've ever been on reddit. like i actually comment on stuff *pukes* im turning into my father.

i sent the slides to my friend & he hasn't looked at them yet :/ im actually insane abt it like. LOOK AT THEM!!!! im not gonna bother him about it though. ill update on how that goes later lol. laterz

ya so update i have rejected stalinism and am critically reexamining leninism. i was eating out of the trashcan of ideology before fr. now i am bordiga bro (not rly i just think he's cool and am looking forward to reading him)

what made me reject stalin and mao ?? reading. that and reddit posts. i'm not too worried about labeling myself anymore. i'm a marxist. a revolutionary scientific socialist. that's pretty much it. haven't fully rejected lenin or the vanguard party btw, just trying to put his works in their historical context and realizing a lot of lenin*ism* is bullshit. straight up distortions of what he said.

what was i reading...? critique of the gotha program! again. engels' letter in the beginning of it in particular stuck with me, the part about the state, and how there can't be a free people's state. that. trotsky's "worker's state" and stalin's "socialist state" are not all that different. it's a similar distortion of marxism. trotsky's permanent revolution is not bad though, it's kind of a reaffirmation of what marx and engels said, at least in its basic form from my understanding. not a trot though lol. other things i was reading,,, i didn't get very far in capital, only read about 2 chapters. i've been taking a break from it but i'll get back to it. lenin's imperialism, part of what is to be done, ch1 of the german ideology, on practice, combat liberalism, oppose book worship, yeah so my study has been pretty eclectic. don't read mao btw its brain poison. combat liberalism in particular pissed me off.

im going to finish witbd, read the 18th brumaire, and then continue reading capital. tbh i don't feel like reading witbd but i'm already in the middle of it so i might as well. after i read several more chapters of capital, i might take another break and read lwc & the right of nations to self-determination bc i've been wanting to read them for a while. and after finishing capital im totally reading the german ideology and anti-during. hehehehhe

oh one thing that really helped me in my ideological development was creating a google slide of a bunch of random socialist revolutionaries for my friend & explaining their history + my thoughts on them. idk if i'll show it to my friend because honestly it surprised me and it feels kinda personal in a way ? its also terribly written. like both unpresentable and unreadable without me giving it context.

other than the marxism stuff, i actually might not be going to public school ? i think i'll be homeschooled. i'll live at my aunt and uncle's for 4 days a week. so yeah. might get a job at the library. oh and im getting my permit in a few days (hopefully)

so yeah !!! i'm feeling alright :>

quick update for the start of october (fav month) um happy prc day! its been an interesting 9 months. and by interesting i mean its gone by so fast and ive done so little. its like the quote from nervous young inhumans "it's almost halloween. i haven't done shit this year." my mood rn

but that's kind of a lie. cause i've been reading a lot and i've grown a lot as a person even if i didn't interact with other people very much. but that's like. i'll do that later. thats the next phase of my life yk. why am i talking about it like that help

i'm on ch 10 of capital & i'm also in the middle of reform or revolution !! i ended up critiquing trotskyism for like 2 hours a couple days ago and it improved my mood for the rest of the day. also read the metamorphosis and i relate to gregor samsa so hard it hurts actually. i cried after. see wht i said abt the mood swings its crazy out here.

uh so i got more deranged. ik i say this every time but its reached a new height. i posted communist yaoi on twt. lenidzerzhinlov to be specific. idk if thats what im settling on for the name but thats what comes to mind first. anyway it was just dzerzhinsky and sverdlov giving lenin a little kiss it was so cute. i was laughing maniacally the whole time drawing it. idek if im being just a jokey silly guy or if i fr ship them. i kinda do ?? i did one of those throuple my ship in 5 mins thing for them and didnt post it. im crayz ! i geniunely think of them all the time wait. yeah no im serious i like ship them. they're so uwu okay its sverdlov and his fuckinf senior citizen bfs. i hc felix as n-b btw. and lenins poly so hes still with krupskaya and armand and they're all chill with it. i just think lenin deserves 1 million billion kisses.

also also aslo i ship stalin voroshilov and molotov. but als o stalin kirov but like thats secondary rn. and i made autism che guevara based on smth i saw on twitter i put it on my wall >:)

funnily enough my opinion of stalin is not positive and i'm still a leftcom sympathizer. honestly if i were to label my politics rn it would be like "internationalist marxist & leninist". adding the internationalist in there to say im not so sure about the policy of socialism in one country & i think internationalism should def be a priority in a socialist state in the form of spreading/materially supporting socialist revolutions in other countries. you could say thats already a part of marxism leninism, or that i should just be a leftcom or a trot bc i think they have some solid critiques of stalin, but i don't have an entirely negative view of him & think some if not most leftcom/trot positions are goofy. maybe this is eclecticism? idk i didnt elaborate very well on my exact position and why i think the way i do but thats annoying im tired of typing. uh to conclude i don't really like labels at this moment in time and im still learning.

hrhghgh i think thats ab it. im looking forward to reading more of capital (maybe finishing it) and like a shit ton of lenin hopefully lol as well as ten days that shook the world. maybe some fiction too i still have to read this book my friend bought me for my bday. eeee i love learning abt this shit !!!!!! i am so autism. farewell.

very nervous abt school. but also i was kinda romanticising being a guy who reads lenin all the time in class and at lunch and ppl sitting next to be and being like "wtf are you reading" and me explaining to them <3 i think that would be neat idk... maybe there would be like a cute person who looks at what im reading and is like !! im a communist too!!!! and we could be friends and we could start a bookclub. maybe i would actually get schoolwork done ???? idk who actually gives a shit about that ill just barely pass and ill be happy

but starting school in the middle of junior year as an autistic transguy is difficult. i dont want to. but if my folks are forcing me ig i will. its just 2 years of hell. plus, i need to get used to torture so that when the cia tortures me ill be used to it. i NEED to become desensitized to the pains of the world !

im in the middle of chapter 7 of capital !!! i read this really good pamphlet on the first 3 chapters of capital esp the first chapter and it was very good and thought-provoking ^-^ ive also been listening to taimur rahman's philosophy lectures on yt and they are so fucking good i can't recommend them enough. he is very good at breaking down complex concepts. just like stalin frfr. he's also the general secretary of some communist party which is based.

thinking about dsa and whether its a good org to join or not. some maoist on twitter joined it and it caused a big fuss but i don't think its that big of a deal. like, he wanted to work, and the dsa does good work. its very hard to be a marxist in the us. there are some parties with good programs but are sectarian/are more of a book club than a political party. and then there are the cults. and the fed-infested cesspools. the question is really do i want to join something that has revolutionary potential or do i want to join something that actually holds some sway in electoral politics & does a lot of labor/tenant organizing. ig we'll see how the left develops in the next couple years and actually get involved locally & make some connections then. i can always leave a party if it sucks lol

still nervous about school !!!!!!!! i thought talking ab smth else would distract me but no. i dont even have a date for when ill be going yet. thats part of why im so scared. just gotta think of the positives. there has to be 1 commie in that school and we will be best friends we'll be like krupskaya and lenin or sverdlov and novgorodtseva.....

whatever. bye.

im a lot better. i think last week was influenced by like. pms or smth. im not suicidal. but jesus christ hormones are a bitch huh. um. dysphoria moment. anyway. haha.

been thinking about on contradiction. idk how to describe it but it doesn't seem very like. marxist???? idk how to put it, mostly because i don't fully understand dialectics. ive been reading capital, and mao's dialectics is definitely a bit different. applying dialectics to areas outside of social sciences is a bit iffy and sounds pseudoscientific imo. mao does give good *advice*, and a good basis for analysis, i just dont think on contradiction is good as a philosophical work. i kinda get the hegelian marxists critique of stalin's work on dialectics as well.

i've gotten pretty sympathetic to leftcoms, particularly the italian current. i think they're inncorrect, but i will read up on bordiga and try not to jump to conclusions before i really consider his arguments. i'm thinking that will be after i finish most of my reading list, though, at least the classics of marxism and decolonial theory.

i think none of these marxist tendencies show any promise but maoism. revisionist ml leads to capitalist restoration, leftcoms dont do shit, trots just suck ass and are super white, maoists are pretty much the only marxists with active revolutions, and there are a lot of maoists doing good work and not trying to turn stalin and gonzalo into saints. every other tendency seems to be stuck in the past. we need something that will actually build a movement, not a book club.

i've been reading capital. i finished the first 3 chapters! it's been very difficult to understand on my own, but i've been reading summaries along with it to help me understand. it's not ideal, but i think this is fine for my first reading of it. i'm taking lots of notes too. it's difficult, but more enjoyable than i thought it would be. its an experience to say the least lol

obsessed with dzerzhinsky and sverdlov. they give me brainworms. i made playlists for them ???? i was born in the wrong generation. i was actually meant to be an old bolshevik who ****** ******** *** ****** ***** ** ***** LMFAO (insane)

i think thats about it. i'm going to study capital for the rest of the month, and i want to finish it, but i'll try to take my time to really understand these concepts. it might be hard to do if im also going to public school? but i could always just not do my work lol

c u later tovarischi (sry thats cringe)

im going to fucking kill myself my dad wants to send me to public school. he probably saw the thing i do where i pace around and mouth the words in my head and make crazy fucking expressions sometimes i do it in the kitchen and don't realize it. im just talking to my headmates but it probably looks crazy and he thinks im crazy because ive been alone for so long. its not really the isolation thats doing it though but idek if he saw and i dont want to explain it to him. haha im not *actually insane* im just talking to the people who live in my head !!! ill probably go to public school and then jump into a highway or something because i cant stand it because i cant work when everyone is fucking watching me. they're not going to get how traumatizing school was for me. i cant find my way around the building i cant do presentations i cant talk to people i cant fucking write anymore i cant do it. and if i cant even do any of that shit how am i supposed to be an adult. this is legitimately disabling. idgaf that this is dramatic im fucking losing it. im going to fucking die.

um but otherwise i finished reading on contradiction. it was ok. im unable to read anything else cause my mind is preoccupied and i broke down crying trying to finish it. but i did it ! ahaha

i might start cutting again. ive been thinking about it and now that its getting colder i might as well. i feel so fucking ill

reading mao gets me hyped tbh. i just started reading on contradiction and its nice !! hopefully i'll be able to finish it today and then work on reading chapters 2 & 3 of capital tomorrow. chapter 1 was tough. i felt like i should be able to understand it but i couldn't lol. maybe during/after reading the next couple chapters i'll revisit it and at least write down my questions and before reading them i'll read a summary of ch1.

foundations of leninism was harder to get through than i thought it was going to be. it was kinda mid. took a lot of notes. most of it was stuff i already knew but stalin said some cursed stuff. my favorite part was toward the end when he was like talking about how leninists have "russian revolutionary sweep" and "american efficiency" like what. i kinda get what he was saying there but i was like. stalin admires the protestant work ethic? what a silly guy.

last night i was reading some red sails artice that was really funny out of context. it was alright though it was called "masses, elites, and rebels: the theory of 'brainwashing'".

i've been eating and sleeping better but i've been depressed about the future. mostly my personal future, i've been hopeful about the fate of humanity and revolution actually. i'm just most likely dropping out of high school. idk what i'll do for work. what i really would want is to like. work in a factory or in a field or some repetitive shit with my hands that benefits society but i live in the us so. ig i'll learn a trade, be a plumber or some shit. my goals for the future are so silly like its just 1. dont be homeless 2. get on t and 3. revolution. what i really need to do is to get over my debilitating social anxiety and learn how to be a responsible adult.

i don't like my dad at all. i don't talk about my family very often here but i *really* don't like my dad and the older i get the less i like him. whenever he looks at me i feel sick i can't explain it. i might just be overreacting. i really just dont want to talk to him ever because he makes me feel gross and he doesn't have anything interesting to say. he's stupid in all the weirdest ways. i want to live at my moms.

ughhh i play minecraft all day wahoo . im actually finding this entry hard to write because of my doomer bs. uhh anyway i've been talking to this girl and she's really pretty and i really like her >.< problem is i have no idea how to flirt or even talk to other human beings and i only talk about communism. which she seems fine with. but. i need to talk about normal stuff.

sry i didn't update the sideblog btw im just tired. anyway im just gonna leave this here and go watch the s4a livestream. erm bye >.<

I READ VPP! IT TOOK WAY TOO LONG BUT I DID IT ! honestly i think part 11 or some shit was difficult to understand but a lot of it was simple and enlightening. the shit marx was arguing against was moronic. the shit this man had to deal with. sigh. but !! i feel so smart now hehe i understand the moneystuffs

foundations of leninism is next >:) i really loved reading historical and dialectical materialism last month, it was such a breeze and it really helped me to understand it and now i understand dialectics better. his writing style is very... direct ig? people criticize it a lot and i can see why. i don't get people calling him a mechanical materialist, or saying he doesn't really understand dialectics. i haven't seen a good argument for it. they say that about mao too! more ultra nonsense i guess smh

speaking of mao, i'm planning on something special for my mom's landlord. jk. im actually just planning on reading some mao after im done with chapter one of capital bcs i cant read one thing at a time. idk if i'll do the shorter ones or the longer ones, cause i'm thinking i'll either read just 'on contradiction' and 'on practice', or i'll read 'where do correct ideas come from', 'combat liberalism', 'oppose book worship', etc. actually nvm what if i read contradiction and then a couple short essays and then after reading chapters 2 & 3 of capital i read 'on practice' and some other ones. lol just set up some reminders now where were we.

the thing is, i always see goofy people saying stuff like "nooo you gotta read capital first so you can see through mao and stalin's bs" and i get nervous that they actually have some superior interpretation of marx that you can only understand if you read marx first. is that bullshit? i'm worried i'm doing everything wrong. idrc though, the more i read and learn, the more i can sort through the crap and critique stuff, and develop a more complete understanding of marxism and the world as a whole.

as for recent developments in my personal life and mental health, not much has changed other than my diet being shitty. i feel like i don't want to play bass anymore. i used to like it, but i haven't been able to pick it back up. i should probs quit the band im in if thats the case lol. not that we'd been really making anything.

i've started replying/commenting on random shit on social media so thats my social interaction quota for this month. no but actually i've been talking to people on discord and stuff. making friends. its nice !

i've been reading some gramsci as well, his stuff on fascism. i find him really interesting, though hard to understand. maybe it's because i was tired. cool guy though. i ship him and bordiga. help did you think i wasn't going to mention goofy historical rpf this time. wrong! eternal glory to gramdiga!

been drawing my boys (almas & konstantin) and going on pinterest and finding interesting things. like this one pic of dudes kissing in front of a stalin portrait and a statue of a red army soldier kissing some guy. these appeal to me. pinterest knows whats up just sayin. i've been downloading so many pictures.

i think thats it for now? i'll update the 'evil' blog though so !! yeah ! it might take an hour or so though. cya ;)

I DESPERATELY NEED TO READ THEORY LIKE IVE BEEN CRAVING IT BUT I FEEL LIKE I CANT ? IDK ITS HARD TO GET BACK INTO IT

i need to finish vpp... i'm both more and less mentally ill than before. yk. in different ways. i'm more confident in my beliefs, at least in marxism.

a family member is visiting ! he's really cool. he scares me sometimes though because i think he knows im trans and im spooked. like im very aaah . but yk its good to see him again. hes the reason i became a emo btw. its crazy.

im a historical rpf guy now. theres not enough of it. wheres the communism fandom ??? ive been rereading the chefidel fics i really liked. theres like no good stalin fics. i might resort to reading trotsky/stalin because im ill. i should read theory instead like i really need to read theory not this nonsense. fucking hilarious how this is how my life turned out. like a while ago i was like "i have GOT to get WEIRDER" and then i did.

i finished drivers ed ! i jsut have to do like 2 tests and then i get my permit !!!! im going to be so safe. ahahahahha im not scared. but honestly ive been warming up to the idea of driving, i can see myself doing it.

been thinking about my ocs and also the movie the ascent. almas & konstantin... so fucking obsessed. i might infodump later but im tired. i should stop writing these while incredibly sleepy. i should infodump about my stalin autistic theory too.

um so anyway. im gonna read vpp, foundations of leninism, those articles ive been putting off, maybe that stalin book by losurdo, and then capital ? hopefully? and im going to shut out my friends ^-^

finally caught up with the penumbra podcast. its so good i will sob. rita rita rita rita most beautiful woman in the galaxy

um so basically my anxiety has got bad and im questioning my politics again and nothing is comfortable i literally don't feel safe at any moment i feel so anxious i could puke 24/7 like actually fucking losing it i might kms. im so paranoid. im so stalin coded. stalin kinnie moment. starts screaming

oh my god hoxhaillion is such a funny word. been reading hoxha/stalin fanfiction. im kidding im reading hoxha's 'with stalin - memoirs from my meetings with stalin' and fucking losing it like its so funny im obsessed with these two. it's written like hoxha was a goofy teenage girl with the gel pen with the pompom giggling and kicking his feet recounting stalin's laugh and the movie they watched together and the time they took a walk in his garden and shit. also the cia says hoxha was gay and i believe the cia because it always tells the truth so its a historical fact he was crushing on that old man. this is a normal coping mechanism.

to be real. im not a historical rpf guy im not even a stalin liker etc etc this is just memes. but i am obsessed. mid writing this someone i follow on tumblr reblogged a post that said "wanna see some toxic doomed yaoi?" and in the tags they said "#me about stalin/roosevelt" and now i have a new otp. bye girlies sorry this was so short lol.

hihihihi i went camping again this time for a week !! i ended up finishing state and rev and wage labor and capital, and started reading socialism: utopian and scientific. um um fun times !! i took good notes imo and i learned a lot.

one thing i've become a little more interested in is marxism's relationship to religion, what marxist thinkers have said about religion, how it was/is dealt with in socialist societies, liberation theology, and how we should think about religion in the future/ what policies should we put into place regarding it. so. big topic. and my half-baked idea is that historically religion was mishandled especially in the soviet union. religious repression and shit doesn't really have a place in socialist movements. it alienates the majority of the proletariat. that being said, i don't think that religion shouldn't be criticized, or that it has a place in creating laws and shit. so after i read the basics of marxism i'll probably go straight to reading about this shit lol. or decolonial theory.

im so economics. shit's dry as fuck even like the basic stuff idk how i'll get through capital but i'll push through it. im thinking i'll read I in september or smth, and then read III in january, and then II later, because someone on reddit told me to do it in that order. idk if it'll be those specific months but for some reason that's what my brain is telling me so. yeah. IM STUDY ! IM BECOME SMART !

i also watched 3 soviet movies (october, stalker, and the ascent) oh no im a ussraboo (sovietaboo? this is totally a real thing). anyway. stalker was fucking. lord i need to rewatch it because i feel like. augh. holy shit. it was good okay. 3 hours of bald men having life changing moments. the ascent was also rly good. it was comforting in a weird way. that's so fucked help. watch it !!!!! well. if youre into fucked up movies about WWII.

& about vanguardism and democratic centralism. i get it. pretty simple stuff. im not sold on anti-factionalism, but i understand the argument for it.

i really need to talk to human beings sometimes oh god. i've been having terrible thoughts in my brain. like. its a mix between me being incredibly sensitive to every injustice on earth and not giving a shit about anything anymore ? idk if that makes sense. ig i just don't care what people think of me anymore. and i've been really lonely but also my family annoys the shit out of me. ughhhhhh i hate being the most correct person ever and having 50 hoxhaillion mental illnesses

i'll. idk what im going to do with myself. hopefully attend that conference. try not to lose my shit. read books. i'm going to go see the newish spiderverse movie and maybe barbie & oppenheimer. I Will Try To Be Normal. farewell my dear gamers

haha being a ml is kind of funny. i like pissing people off . like i try to be as nice as possible but Man somtimes people are so stupid lol

i read blackshirts and reds (finally) and it was thought provoking. i've been following along with this ML reading list playlist on youtube and taking notes. it's been chill. i was such a loser last week wtf the ussr is fun to think about and people should talk about it. maybe im biased because i'm kinda hyperfixating on it though rip

so yeah stalin was hot + did nothing wrong lick my balls peepeepoopoo (i am obviously joking. about the him doing nothing wrong part. he *was* kinda hot,,)

i went camping !! it was unsuccessful ! it rained every night. i watched 2 movies though. one was come and see (anti-war soviet movie) and lenin the train (lenin train ride movie) so fun stuff. i also made ocs. almas ospanov my beloved... literally obsessed... & i listened to polushka polye an absurd amount of times. we'll probably go camping again later this summer.

im scared of the new penumbra pocast episode. its been like 2 weeks since it dropped and i haven't listened to it yet lmfaoo

tbh i don't have much more to talk about. ig what i've been thinking about lately is vanguardism and democratic centralism. my conclusion for now is that some type of vanguard party is based but i'm neutral on democratic centralism until i learn more about it. it seems that luxemburg's critique of it didn't really hold up though? from my understanding? idk. im also looking into communalism. bookchin is like. way down on my reading list. but i hear he wasn't all bad. what put me off his works was his stupid ass "listen, marxist!" shit with the middle school level class analysis. deep sigh.

so. plans. i'm gonna reread the state and revolution. that's about it ?? i can't really think of anything else. ig i'll try to read every day. ya so bye losers

i hate being kind of a ML. its like,,, idk am i missing smth? am i in the wrong here?

i’ve kinda found the kernel of the problem i have with MLs. its the type of people (specifically those in the imperial core) who are attracted to the ideology. basically, the sort of subculture it creates is pretty toxic, and you have a lot of younger MLs who aren’t the most historically literate & articulate trying to defend the legacy of the ussr and ending up defending or coming across as if they’re defending the worst parts of its history. like, mythbusting is good. and its very good to make the positive aspects of the ussr known to more people, because it wasn’t just some 1984 hellscape where the kgb licked everybody’s balls or some shit. buuut i think its important to take into the account the perspective of people who got all of their knowledge about it from anti-communist propaganda. we definitely look insane to normal people.

i also don’t think that 99% of what leftists talk about should be the ussr. it existed. we have a lot to learn from it. but its gone now, and we need to move forward. thats just my 2 dollars (adjusted for inflation) as an uninformed 16yo who’s new to this shit. i’m still building my historical knowledge, and i haven’t even read that much yet.

i *have* found people who aren’t incredibly annoying abt that shit though !!! it took a while, but there are a lot of tumblr users who are pretty chill and knowledgabler. i tried to go on twitter and it was terrible imo. it might have been better a few years ago but elon musk moment.

my understanding of fascism has changed in the past week. previously i had a very ur-fascism conception of it. i had these traits listed in my head of things that sound fascistic (which is good, its important to know the red flags) but i didn’t understand why it happens and its relationship to communism. i’d put my thoughts here but its been said a million times before by people smarter than me. the quote often misattributed to lenin, “fascism is capitalism in decay” sort of sums up my thoughts on it. also this tumblr post is really good: https://www.tumblr.com/red-dead-revival/712601073600413696/i-think-fascism-is-the-metastasization-of-all?source=share

pride month is over and not much fascism happened. nothing to homosexual happened to me either i’m afraid :(

btw i went outside ! are you proud of me?? and i’m going camping this weekend ^-^ i’ll probably update after the camping trip is over (next week?). or i’ll go off into the middle of the woods never to be seen again who knows !!!

also i’ll probably attend the cpusa international conference (its a zoom meeting) later this month bc i want to see what their deal is. interesting stuff.

i’ve sort of answered a lot of the questions that i had before in the past week or so. i actually wrote all of them down. i’ve been learning & i fixed my sleep schedule.

ig i should do the thing where i set goals for the month. i usually don’t complete like any of the goals though so i’m not sure how much this helps. but. i guess continuing to read & working my way through the reading list i’ve been following along with. continue taking notes and learning history. i should also start having conversations with other leftists. i don’t post a lot online and it always seems pretty daunting because i can never word things properly, but i’ve got to learn how to have conversations with people lmao

cya later comrades B)

early entry because i need to work through some shit publicly again. i've been doubting my political beliefs a lot more. like, i've always engaged with criticism and shit, but i wouldn't consider myself an anarchist anymore. does this make me not punk anymore ????????????

so yeah i've basically been thinking about state & rev and watching marxist leninist youtubers and whatnot and taking their ideas more seriously. i have some major problems with ML but tbh i Get It. so i'm gonna look into the stuff they say are myths about communist states and read some shit. its just that sometimes i look at the things they say and can see very clear connections between what they say and things fascists say. think the "gorillion" shit if ykwim. obviously it's not equivalent but i don't want to fall into those sorts of thought patterns and i don't want anyone else to either. a lot of it seems like cope i guess. your political ideology is connected with so many things most people consider atrocities. how do you reconcile that? there are probably blatant lies and propaganda about these countries, but not all of it is.

its hard to find mentally stable communists. and its hard to figure out what the facts are. i have so many questions!!! i don't know what to believe?? i don't want to believe something just because it's convenient for me. (what is convenient for me lol??) but tbh i don't have all the facts about that and it seems sus so i'm just gonna. not have an opinion on it until i've learned more.

this is gonna sound funny but i'm grieving anarchism. i've been an anarchist since i was 12, seriously. ig i'm growing up or whatever. the immortal science of marxism leninism is my best friend now. not really. im looking for alternatives. really funny to go from being an anarchist to an "authoritarian" in like a couple days. okay well if i'm being fr its been a couple months of questioning my beliefs and then 3 days ago it took 2 seconds of a youtube video to send me pacing around listing reasons why anarchism is incorrect.

been listening to audiobooks, podcasts, and yt videos more than music lately. and the music i have been listening to is the stuff downloaded on my phone. mostly the internationale. that song is genuinely so beautiful i have 5 different versions of it on my phone.

i've been thinking about joining an org. like psl or cpusa. i know they have their problems but i feel like i have to do something. i can't go waiting for the most ideologically pure organization with 0 scandals to appear so i can join it because that will never happen. but i also want to do *good* work, not just joining an org to join one.

also. i might get a job soon at a convenience store. im gonna be like the frittte clerk. i'm supposed to be doing driver's ed classes too but i haven't in a while lol. i don't want to learn how to drive. i'm dreading it hahaaaaaa

i've been feeling more grounded lately. i've also been hungry and i should really go outside. but like. i feel level-headed. ig i should try to like, keep it up? the reading and learning and staying sharp mentally. while also trying to get some "fresh" air of course. i should read outside. i really really want books. mmmmmmmmmm physical books............ (i am sleep deprived)

right now as i'm writing this it's the eve of pride month. i'm putting milk and cookies out for leslie feinberg. no but actually i'm with my sibling and we're listening to gay music and being silly. i've been doing alright, generally.

i'm a little scared, though. i guess. i've been scared for a long time, with all the anti-trans laws and whatnot. the rise of fascism. but i had been distracting myself with podcasts and tumblr and jjba and fucking anything. NOT ANYMORE !!! i do politics now. im politicing.

i've been reading lots tbh. now and after by alexander berkman, the conquest of bread by peter kropotkin, the state and revolution by vladimir lenin, desert by anonymous, capitalist realism by mark fisher, eh not that i've listed them it's not that much but like. i haven't read that much in a while yanno? and i'm planning on reading lots more and i also read smaller articles. so. big improvements. i would put a comprehensive review of each book here but that's annoying and also everything i could say about these books other people have probably said in better ways lmfao

i've been learning about anarchist/leftist history in general too. rly interesting stuff. i lov emma goldman and erich mühsam. i try not to idolize historical figures but fuck it at least i'm not idolizing dictators.

ALSO i've been writing a lot !!! mostly fanfiction but yk. a little of everything. it's been pretty good for me, like, mentally. i had an 8 day streak of writing consistently from the 18th to the 25th and then i broke it, but i wrote yesterday. and i'm writing this today.

saw a tumblr post about steban having antlers and it changed my life. got an idea for a oneshot.. trilogy?? kinda? where in one steban's shedding velvet, in another he sheds his antlers, and the last he's growing new ones. the details are uhhh silly and also gruesome and freaky but that's typical atp. and yes i'm still super obsessed with the student communists. i've literally been reloading the steban/ulixes ship tag on ao3 every day since may 3rd and i've been looking at their character tags on tumblr frequently. i'm diseased. i also really like ruby/soona and liz/cindy but there's virtually no content for them so . yeah.

pride month !! uhh !!!!!!!! scary !!! i'm very curious as to what the right has in store for us lololol totally not scared at all. i know we're threatened every year but this year feels much different. especially with the anti-trans legislation. i really really hope they're bluffing again. i hope nothing bad happens. but i also hope bricks come back in vogue. i want people to smash shit. i want to smash shit. im angry tbh.

looking back on last month i was kinda delusionally hopeful about things. i still am. i'm having a fun little internal battle between my magical thinking/delusional hope about a future revolution/global eco sustainability and being disillusioned with the anarchist movement but trying to be unburdened by it. yes this thought process was influenced by desert. i disagree with it on many points but it did put words to what i was feeling for a while. i can't wait to actually be able to do mutual aid & praxis nd shit so that i can stop being like this. i have to stop living in my head.

I WENT TO THE PENUMBRA LIVESHOW !! sorry this entry is full of non sequiturs its literally just how i communicate. the liveshow was amazing. it was weird to see my favorite characters voices with different people to how i imagine them but it was really fun and the story was adorable . i won't be able to see my best friend for a while now though. maybe the whole summer. fuckk :(

oh and the thing i had been dreading since like... february ? yeah, that happened. i'm sharing a room with my sibling. it's not as bad as i thought it would be tbh. definitely not going on a hunger strike. jesus reading those old entries i'm so fucking dramatic. i get why i was upset though. it is disappointing. things will get better though.

i think that's all i wanted to coverrr ?? i've been looking forward to this entry for the past couple weeks tbh. i know i can do multiple entries a month but its tradition.

my goals for this month is to go outside and maybe do gay shit. also to continue writing & reading and doing schoolwork. reading fiction as well. i have these 2 books i've been procrastinating reading for a while. ooh and i need to go to the library and practice playing bass. i hope if a human is reading this you have a sick epic june :)

SO I PLAYED DISCO ELYSIUM & IM ABOUT TO GET POLITICAL ON MAIN

i'm not gonna say i wasn't an anarcho-communist before i played this game bc that's a lie. i read the communist manifesto once when i was 12 and watched a few vaush streams and it changed my life. like its so embarassing but genuinely that's what radicalized me. but this game makes me want to read lenin and shit like that's so weird.

i don't want to make it sound like communist propaganda but it kind of is in a good way. it's very critical of communism and not in a nihlistic way or anything it's so hopeful and beautiful and something that i think everyone should play regardless of their political beliefs. it is driving me crazy. i might lose my jjba hyperfixation over this lowkey. i might come back to it but right now disco elysium is the only thing on my mind.

one thing that makes me go grrawhwhofhhogh is the communist book club. steban and ulixes are absolute fucking boyfriends. mazovian yaoi ftw!! the scene where harry and the boys were building the thing with the matchboxes. PLASM. this is about to sound like nonsense if you have not played the game. i am not an architecture person nor am i good with words but i think its neat and its like a subversion of brutalism which is another architecture style associated with communism that evokes feelings of stability and rationality. the inframaterialist/nilsenist architecture is Not Stable as its primary Thing. the goal of them is the minimize a power imbalance between the state and its people. the people in the building have to believe in the state and believe communism will do them good or the building will collapse. obviously this isn't a thing in real life cause we don't have plasm irl and i don't think that the state should be a thing but i think the idea of a precarious utopia is beautiful.

disco elysium is literally so so so so cool like that's a very small part of it its fucking UGH it makes me insane. been listening to sea power. they made the soundtrack. yeag. i have so many thoughts about it but i wont put them all here cause that would be annouying or something idk

now let's talk about my birfday <3

i'm 16 now (everybody cheers) and not much has changed. i'm learning how to drive n shit, took the psat, i'm basically an adult (no). i guess i'm just gonna read a bunch of books and like get a job or whatever. boring. i'm fine though. like my mood is just better. i feel a little less shitty about the future. steps in the right direction yayyy

i love how its been 3 weeks since i last updated this and i feel like so much better now. i haven't even changed anything like i still haven't been doing school or writing. i've just been doing driver's ed and playing disco elysium. crazy stuff.

my goals for the rest of this month are literally the same as always. get words on a page. do school. touch grass. wahoo. oh yeah. mario time.

this entry is gonna be a little heavy. i'm relapsing with my ed and just generally unproductive and depressed. i have to share a room with my sibling until i'm like 17 and i think that's gonna kill me. it's not like i've never shared a room before, but holy fuck now more than ever i need my own room yk? and it's not like there's not enough rooms for me to not have my own room, my dad is just prioritizing my 10yo brother's privacy over mine because he's a misogynist.

my birthday is coming up. i never thought i would live this long. like, ever since i was 11 i just couldn't imagine myself making it to 16. i'm losing my mind over it. i really don't want to grow up. i don't want to be an adult. i don't want to move out. i don't want to drive. i don't want to take the sat. i don't want to go to college or trade school. i don't want to get a job. i haven't been suicidal for a while, but i'm kinda considering it. i know i won't, but i don't want to do this anymore i guess.

since i'm not cutting, i'm returning to some other pretty bad coping mechanisms like self-isolating and seeking out attention online. i'm also super angry all the time. and i keep ghosting people. i'm probably a bad person for this.

i haven't been drawing or writing or reading or doing any schoolwork. i've just been rotting pathetically in bed playing video games and scrolling through social media. i'm not having a great time i think. i'm wasting time. i feel like i don't have time left. i have shit to read and to watch but i'm doing none of that, just repeating the same actions over and over again because it's comforting. how am i so depressed and lazy that i can't even do things within my own comfort zone like consuming different media? even the most mildly productive shit feels impossible to do.

other than losing my fucking mind i've been listening to the cranberries. like a lot. fuck their shit is so good oml dolores o'riordan has one of the best voices ever i could listen to it all day every day for the rest of my life. i particularly like sunday. all of 'everybody else is doing it' is phenomenal.

i got a switch though. so, good stuff ig? keeps my mind occupied. i really want disco elysium. there's this game i'm into called pentiment and i've heard they're similar games. pentiment is really good i definitely reccommend it. also tried playing chrono trigger but got too stressed out lolol

i made cowboy ocs, btw. one of them is named mercury and he's this transguy who stole his brother's identity. cool shit right? i keep drawing him and his bf, whose name might be james..

jojolands chapter 3 is so epic. i had a hyperfixation on volcanos when i was little and i like breaking bad so this is basically made for me. and usagi is the best guy ever i really hope he doesn't turn evil or die or some shit. and paco... hes also very cool like i don't like the way he treats usagi but also they had some sexual tension or maybe that's just me. #1 usagi/paco shipper :O

i don't have any plans for my birthday, but i'm hoping to lose some weight before then, not that i'll even be able to tell bc i don't have a scale and i fucking hate taking body checks with a burning passion for like no reason.

other than that i guess i'll set some goals. i'm gonna try writing again. hopefully painting the flowers or the ant one or the pirate one, or maybe i'll start a whole new project, but i wanna at least try to write every day. i'll also start reading some of the books i've wanted to for a while now, ask to go to the library to get some, and watch some of the movies i wanted to watch. also i wanna watch breaking bad !! and read chainsaw man bc some guy i'm talking to likes it.

just noticed these entries keep getting longer and longer. it's kinda funny that i have that much to say when i don't like talking or even texting people or posting online. guess i'll stop writing here. see you next month if i make it.